A very legitimate fear

There has been a serious overlooking in United States safety regulations, which has begun to concern me of late, especially with allergy season firing up. While it's true that there have probably been very few cases of anybody getting whiplash from sneezing (fig. A.), What if, while covering one's mouth with duct tape, flexi straws stuffed up one's nose, and being in very close proximity with and facing a wall, Somebody happens to sneeze? (fig. B.)

---Fig. A ----------Fig. B---

It has been reported that sneezes come out of the body at approximately 150 km/hour, which is more than fast enough, if focused right, to cause whiplash. This is dangerous because there are a myriad of conditions under which an individual could be placed in jeopardy by this whiplash causing sneeze situation.

As we all know, duct tape is often used as a means of keeping somebody quiet. This can be accomplished simply by placing a strip of duct tape over the noisy subject's mouth. Often, small children or infants can be annoyingly and frequently loud, so logically, many parents find the solution of slapping a friendly piece of duct tape over the child's mouth a perfect solution. Of course, this loudness often coincides with bad behaviour, for which a traditional punishment is to be made to sit in a corner. Children are also known to be very impulsive, and, as I'm sure we've all realized, one of the first things that comes to mind when presented with flexi-straws is to shove them up your nose. If, while quieted and placed in a corner, the child happens to find a package of flexi-straws laying about, they will inevitably find their way into the child's nostrils. Under these conditions, what happens when the child sneezes? The inevitable result, I'm afraid, is whiplash, and at this young age, it could be damaging for life.

In this nuclear age of history, there are many mutations which may occur among humans. In accordance with this misfortune, 24% of eastereckajavekians are, sadly, born with no mouth. This mutation greatly increases the chance of this mishap only for their race, and as eastereckajavekians are very attractive, this genetic trait could very quickly be spread around the globe, nearly triple the chances of such a sad calamity occuring by only 2020.

These are only a few of the many many ways that sneezing could cause whiplash to any unsuspecting victim, and I ask you, Are we going to put up with this risk in this free country? no! It is imperative that the U.S. Government place a warning label on all drinking straws, to prevent this imminent risk! If you have read this, please write to your congressman requesting that measures be taken to stop the tragedies occuring because of this neglect. thank you for your time.